For years it has been a case of us versus them. We’ve set up our forts, dug our trenches and loaded our ammunition and waited for the day when the Parktown prawns show up. It just so happens that when you least expect it, much like anything in life really, they show up, armed and ready to launch their counter-attack. Here’s a quick step-by-step guide to ending the Parktown prawns reign of terror:
1. Spotted, slithering around your spare room. Big and slimy with its pincers moving up and down left to right. It looks like it’s warming up, ready to pounce on your face. Step back, hide around the corner, and be sure to keep your eye on the enemy.
2. Gather your ammo. Your usual tools aren’t accessible and you need to move quickly. You will need: a bucket and doom. Warning. Doom is harmful to pets and you too.
3. You’re ready for the next step in your strategic assault. You will need to take the prawn unsuspectingly from the side. I would suggest you launch your assault from the right. Take your bucket, slowly creep up to the prawn and quickly throw it onto the enemy. Note, you need to do this quickly otherwise you face the backlash attack, which is smelly black liquid you really don’t want to encouter.
4. Leave the bucket for 3minutes. I say three minutes because your adrenaline levels will start to settle. It takes the prawn a little longer to settle and strategise. It also gives you the opportunity to get the Doom. Many will say Doom doesn’t work, you need something stronger. It does. Trust me on this one.
5. In the next step, you will need to lift the bucket ever so slightly. Take the Doom and spray it. Warning, DOOM is dangerous and can have a negative affect on you too.
6. You must be prepared for what is underneath the bucket now. The counter-attack has happened, but you can deal with that later.
7. You can now go to gym, boxing, have a cup of tea after washing your hands that is. You need to leave the scene for at least half an hour. I recommend 45 minutes.
8. Once you’ve done with your chores etc, come back to the bucket and slowly lift it up. There will be evidence of that infamous black liquid on the floor, but that you can deal with because you will notice the prawn has surrender and you are victorious.
And there you have it. An eight-step guide to ending the reign of a Parktown prawn in you space, your place. In the words of Wikus van der Merwe of District 9 fame, these things are “Fokken prawns”. Good luck!